my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
