A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize