absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
