I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
