Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
