I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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