My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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