good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
