If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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