Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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