I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
