At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize