Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
