You're like the curious george of whores
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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