Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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