I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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