I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
