my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize