she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
