I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
should my penis look like a turkey
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
