i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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