I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
