I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize