I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up under a house in Key West
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
