you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
