i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
