Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
