BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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