My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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