I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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