How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
