Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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