I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
