He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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