and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
