my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize