I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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