Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize