I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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