I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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