I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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