Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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