i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize