so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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