Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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