The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
