my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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