I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
