if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wat bout pragnant strippers??
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
