I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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