Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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