im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
