Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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