from now on my penis is your penis
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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