Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
