Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
