so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
