why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
