I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
