I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
