i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
