Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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