capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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