dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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