Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize