yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
