I will die if light touches me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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